A Convert to the Church attempts to put his convoluted thoughts down on paper Er, ink...whatever...
I feel like crap today, so here's to some venting
Published on April 29, 2004 By Jiggles In Religion

I don't know about other people, but do you ever have on of those days that you just feel like trash? Well, today is one of those days. Without getting into it, I think that its cause requires a visit to my Confessor. I'll leave it at that.

Yet, I want to explore myself to discover the condition of my soul. In fact, I am sure that my soul is burdened by sin, and the is the cause of my malaise. It's so damn annoying too, because it is something I know I shouldn't do. As St. Paul said, "I do the things that I do not want to do, and do not do the things the I want to do." What a wretch I am. I feel the same as the Psalmist when he wrote "I am not even a worm" or something to that effect. I wonder though, if these dark thoughts and tidings within my heart are not another way of God reaching out to me? My cry is not that of Christ's on the Cross. It is not "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" but "My God, My God, why have I forsaken you?"

These moments in the depths of the spiritual depths are an important part of my formation as a Christian. Ever since my conversion to the broad family of Christendom, sin has always been beside me. I think this is true for every Christian. St. Augustine's Confession's prayer "Lord, make me chaste, but not yet" seems to be true for many people and not just in the sexual sense. I have been wondering lately on how people find themselves and I am getting some inkling that it is not us who we should be looking for. As lost and broken people, how can we find ourselves within ourselves? I do not think that we can.

Although the power of reflection is utterly critical, as a Christian, it is not enough. I may look inwards, for "the Kingdom is within you," yet, at the same time, I discover I can only find myself when I look upwards. Only in Christ do we meet the bosom of the Father, only in Christ do we hope. Only when the Shepard gathers the Sheep will I be found.

It is difficult to write about emotions. Sometimes, words do not seem enough. It is the experiance of walking with Christ that has allowed me to discover true "humanism." To walk with the Second Adam and discovering God's intention for Man is what spirituality is all about. To be without sin, to live with Christ as co-heir to the promises of God.

My prayer for myself is this: May God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, have mercy on me, a Sinner. Not any sinner though, but one who continually and willfully transgresses daily, to satisfy my own sins. May Christ, Ever-Merciful, embrace me, renew me, and make me whole. O Holy Spirit, may you encompass the whole of my life, grant me courage to life rightly. May the Virgin Mary pray for me, along with all of the Saints, that I may live simply, humbly, wisely, and charitibly. I ask also that any who reads this to pray for me too, that I may not run the race in vein. Glory be to the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

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